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10.14.2005 | 12:45 a.m. Where is he already? Uhggg, I am so tired of being single. I am sorry if I sound like a stereo-typical girl. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is not true. I am just sick of how cold hearted guys are. I don't understand how on and off they can be. It is as if they can only have one emotion at a time. It is so fliping stupid. I don't understand how difficult it is for me. I don't get it. I am single, happy, successful, have a masters degree, i go to church, i have good values, i come from a wonderful family, i have goals, i have been told that i am sweet, caring, beautiful, inteligent, understanding, and funny. I DON'T GET IT! Why am I having such a hard time? I tell other's that that they need to stop looking and love will come to you are not looking. But, damn! I am sick of "dating," compromising, going out of my way. Part of me wants to give up, look frumpy, let myself go and just do my own thing. The other part of me knows that that would not make me happy. I need to contnue doing what I am doing. Go to work, help teens, read, get coffee, go on random trips, and me my awesome self. GREAT...but why does that not feel like enough. I know that people tell me that I shouldn't be feeling like I "need" a man or a relationship. But, DAMB IT! I do. There is no sense fighting it. I was made to love someone. I was make to partner for life. I wasn't made for casual relationships. I was made to be apart of a team. I was made to love. I was made to take care of someone and have someone take care of me. I was made to have a beautiful family. I cannot help but feel empty. I want to share my life with someone. But, I am looking and there isn't any men out there. All, I am getting is guys who think they want a relationship but then back out. All I am getting are guys who are afraid to talk to me. All I am getting is a whole lot of "quality personal growth" time. Well, screw that! Where is he already!? Where is the one. I have to believe that he is out there somewhere, kicking and screaming and fed up that he hasn't found me. I just pray that it is soon! I am not getting any younger. I want a love, a passion, a romance, a family, and parter, a team member, a life friend. I want a companion. But, I am going to Vegas tomorrow!
08.09.2005 | 4:45 p.m. Me and Mal went to Poppe’s for a drink later that night. It was fun. I didn’t realize that she was just 21. That is okay. We seem to get along pretty well. I must say, she does have quite the way of brushing off guys approaching us. I truly hope that this is a good living situation. I wish I could just start moving in right now. Friday: I met with Deacon L and he gave me a prayer shall. I so appreciate the time and guidance that he is giving me. We talked a lot about me not dieing a thousand death throughout the summer. He assured me that I it okay to have hope, because JV has not broken things off completely. He also said that it is good that I had a bad week, taste what life would be like without the option of seeing JV or getting a call from him. Again, he reminded me that there will be plenty time to morn if he does decide that he is too scared to commit – so don’t die a thousand deaths now. That will only be a barrier to the hope that does exist. We also talked about my standards, my known needs, my unknown needs, and wants. We also talked about Rachel’s complete aversion to my decision not to live with or be intimate with anyone (including JV) until marriage. I have been there an done that. I am looking for quality. I am looking for commitment. I am looking to avoid being hurt. I am looking for a life partner. I don’t want to risk prolonging finding the one by introducing a marriage-like relationship. The fact is that it does prolong commitment, it doesn’t solidify it. So, no more dieing a thousand deaths. I wait. I see. I will cross the road of togetherness with new eyes and warmer heart or cross the road of separation and lick my wounds. I do feel as though he is the one. It is because of this I choose to be patient and use this as an opportunity for the betterment of me, JV, and ultimately the one. I am also starting to see how completely huge it is to choose to a partner. It will change my life, my family’s life, my future family’s life and on. This alone speaks volumes for the amount of love that I have for this man. This is that important to me. My parents came up. We went out to eat at Boundary way. I showed them the new apartment. I got my new pair of Chacos! I love them. I am so glad that I purchased them. Now I want to get some black ones. I am terrible. Saturday: We went to Vancouver. I love that city. We walked all over Gas Town and ate at a charming Transylvanian restaurant. I am so not use to eating as much I have been since they have been here. They have a digital camera, which came in handy. We met up with Jessica and her sister and friend Jeff. My parents were so cute. Everyone seems to have enjoyed everyone’s company and conversation. We walked all the way down to the bay. I have never been surrounding by so many people at once in such a huge city. I love the diversity! I love that you can buy Cuban Cigars there. I love getting lost. It was just great. The fireworks show was the show of a life time. Five countries displays and a finally, all coordinated to music. I had a huge smile on my face the whole time. I have to admit that I wished JV would have been there. It has always brought me such joy to in JV’s eyes and telling others months later about it. I have never experienced a level of love for someone like this. The kind where you simply take job in making the person happy, but not in the icky co-dependency kind of way. Even so, it also made me happy to share this with my parents. Sunday: It was great to share Sunday mass with my parents and Fairhaven. We sunbathed at the Boulevard park. We way the Penguin documentary – a true love story. I may journal about it some other time. Monday: It was go difficult to have my parents leave. I am meeting Mal tomorrow to sign the lease. I am so hoping that we love the place and we along. I did not enjoy having a roommate who just paid rent and bill, hardly there, not a thing in common and always him plus his girlfriend. We will see. I am trying to stay busy plus not run myself to the bone. Also, I found out that they cannot rule out cancer completely but the Doc doesn’t think it is. It is most likely a cyst and a tumor. I will have a minor surgery, a scope to look and take a biopsy. Today – Tuesday: I have a job interview in the morning. It sounds challenging. I hope that it is a pay increase and salaried. JV called last night. It was great to hear his voice. It was great to hear him enjoy talking to me, care enough to check in on me, and hear him say that he also loves and misses me. He wants to see my new place. He said that he will think about it, regarding him being able to go to a PJ concert in BC. It was great to share with him what I have been up to. God, it was great to hear his voice. I tried my best not to bring up the relationship. I did ask if he has “found someone else.” He laughed and said “no.” I was glad to hear him appreciate that the Deacon of my church will help him find a place to live should be chose to move back to b-ham. He actually responded well to that. I am trying not to get my hopes to high after this conversation. I am trying to just be myself, know that we are not totally broken up, that there is a possibility of either way. *sigh* I love him so much. I know this is a boring post – just the facts. I will right more insightful things later. Last Five: Where is he already? - 10.14.2005 the weekend - 08.09.2005 conversation - 07.21.2005 empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005 hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005 before | after |