07.21.2005 | 11:17 a.m.
conversation
diane says:
are u okay?
Felicia * Fish says:
no
diane says:
what's up
Felicia * Fish says:
god...i don't even now where to begin. so much to type
diane says:
just go ahead my dear
Felicia * Fish says:
ok. i'll start at the beginning. i apologize if i have to be really frank.
diane says:
k
Felicia * Fish says:
februrary: i get an abnormal pap 9
Felicia * Fish says:
first one....after a lot of pre-testing and what not...and the stress of not know what is going on and when it will be over... jaryl and i were worried.
Felicia * Fish says:
it turns out that i may have had curvical cancer. they had to test
diane says:
yeah- that's natural to worry
diane says:
oh wow
Felicia * Fish says:
March: i get a coloposcopy: five biopsies from my curvix. jaryl wakes up in the morning feeling stressed. he is thinking about breaking up because he thinks that i want to get married soon and he isn't ready. we talked. i explained that i am not ready to marry. i hope that we do someday, but i am just starting my career (and so is he) and we ahve a long ways before we are finacial ready and e
Felicia * Fish says:
emotionally ready for something like that. he feels better.
diane says:
k
Felicia * Fish says:
I am sorry ...that happened April.
diane says:
k
Felicia * Fish says:
I have to heal before any more treatment. the biopsies show that a few of cells are already cancerous and the rest were severe, moving toward that. I had a LEEP procedure were they burn off a layer of the curvix. (God I cannot spell right now)
Felicia * Fish says:
This means more stress.
Felicia * Fish says:
The Leep was done May 21ist. If I remember correctly.
diane says:
wow
Felicia * Fish says:
That was really painful and the healing was gross and I was just glad that it was over. Done with curvial cancer, but am at risk for getting it again...i will need to have pap smears every 6 months. I am not totally in the clear. I will get my next pap in 6 months and that will tell me if they got it all.
Felicia * Fish says:
I am getting all my dates wrong...but you are getting the picture.
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
So...June 14th...is when I got the Leep. (It was been all dragged out since Feb with all these bs doctor appointment).
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
A week after my procedure, late June, oh and I bought a car (spent most of my savings, and traded in my other car, so that I could get the payments down) Jaryl says that he is moving down to Ellensburg for the summers to fight fires! He thinks that we should brake up. He tell me this while I am at the car dealer, signing papers.
Felicia * Fish says:
I go for a drive with him and we talk. He is feeling isolated, so was I. We hadn't met anyone here. We had gone from Ellensburg (where we both had a huge circle of friends and our own lives, to B-ham, just us). He changed his mind. He says that he loves me and wouldn't change our relationship at all. We figured that he needed some space. He started work on the 3rd of July.
Felicia * Fish says:
I have having to find a new apartment and roommate because I cannot afford the place that I live. I cannot count on Jaryl coming back. So that is stress!
Felicia * Fish says:
We have a great 4th of July. I am 100% supportive in him, reminding him that I support him. Reminding him that he needs to figure things out for himself, but that relationship shouldn't end if it is a good relationship in his eyes. O go down the next weekend...it is dad's birthday. I spend time with my family. I am worried that he won't come back to b-ham and will end things. stress stress s
diane says:
k
Felicia * Fish says:
stress...So. Last Thurdsay I had my follow-up from the LEEP to see how I am doing. Jaryl said weeks before and we talked about it last Tuesday that he would be there. Thursday roles by and he never showed up! He never called. He wouldn't answer his cell phone.
Felicia * Fish says:
I was worried that he got in a car accident.
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
Oh, and at the doctors appointment. I am explaining symptoms that I have been experiences that I have blown off as stress related. The Dr says that they are red flags and ought to do an ultrasound. I have one. Diane, it turns out that I have a mass on my right ovary. If it is is cancer then I will need surgry to remove it and chemo. If it is a tumor, I will need surgry and could lose my ovar
Felicia * Fish says:
Or, it could be a cyst ...the the scope that is used to look at the ovary is minor surgry, cut through at your bikini line.
diane says:
omg.... wow felicia just know that i'm here for u if u need support
Felicia * Fish says:
Right now I have blood work, which will tell them the degree to which the cancer is present or not. It is not a 100% thing. There is a lot of ways things may go. Depending on things, they could choice to moniter it. They would choose to look at it. they could choose to have bigger surgical thing that requires me being put to sleep, so that they can sample it. This was all at the appointment
Felicia * Fish says:
last Thursday when Jaryl no-showed me.
Felicia * Fish says:
I don't sleep. I am worried. An old Gradschool friend of mine says that she saw Jaryl out at the bars with his brother that night. He wouldn't answer his cell phone. He finally calls Friday morning.
Felicia * Fish says:
Correction, he text messages me: "Sorry I wont be coming up this weekend. I think we should break up."
Felicia * Fish says:
For the life of me, I cannot understand. If he is being truthful with me: that he loves me and he is happy with the relationship, I couldn't understand why he was wanting to break up.
Felicia * Fish says:
so he text messages me this. he won't call me. He won't answer my calls. i cancel everything and drive all the way down to e-burg. we talk for like 5 hours.
Felicia * Fish says:
i tell him that i may have a cancer, or lose my ovary, and may have surgry, i am scared and literally have NO FRIENDS up here. he starts crying. he feels like a jerk.
Felicia * Fish says:
he says that we have been together for 2 years and he doesn't see himself marrying me, even though we are happy together and loves me. i am struggling with this logic. many happy couples don't see themselves marrying eachother but love eachother. the relationship goes sour or then one is ready for marriage and the other feels ready two. it rare for a couple to see themselves getting married wi
Felicia * Fish says:
otherwise they would be engaged.
Felicia * Fish says:
So, here I am alone in B-ham, a car payment, cannot afford to move. Have to be out by the 1st of Sept. Need to find a roommate and place to live. I have needing all these Dr appointments. I am scared about my health and future (will i have have children, be able too). I am alone.
Felicia * Fish says:
So, I go camping with my family last weekend. Sunday, because I left my make-up bag at Jaryl place, I drive through E-burg on the way back up to lonely B-ham.
Felicia * Fish says:
We talk.
Felicia * Fish says:
again
diane says:
wow
Felicia * Fish says:
I brake down crying. I cannot believe that I am losing my partner, my best friend, my only friend up in b-ham. I cannot understand his fear. He is afraid that if he isn't ready for marrying me in 2 years, he is scared of the risk for waiting another 2 years and still feeling like he is not ready to marry me. He thinks is better is break up and move on now. So, I am crying. It is really sinki
Felicia * Fish says:
sinking in that I am going to drive up to am empty appointment and I am going to here from my Dr on Monday about when Blood work will be done.
Felicia * Fish says:
Jaryl starts crying.
Felicia * Fish says:
He says that he hurts him to see me going through all of this alone, especially after curvical cancer.
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
He says that he wants to support me. I tell him that, because of all of the stress I am under, I need him to either support me as my partner or not all. Because I don't want him holding my hand while I go to Dr appoints nowing that he is the man I love and he doesn't want to be with me because he cannot marry me
Felicia * Fish says:
So, he says that he will be my "partner" in this. No talk about the summer, if he is coming up. Just "my partner" through this. I said that it had to be on my terms because I cannot handle any more of this "I want to break up, may not, ok I do, may I don't." I told he will not EVER live with me. We will not be intimate EVER. He is just my boyfriend/partner who is helping me thorugh this. Of
diane says:
k
Felicia * Fish says:
So, I have blood work scheduled today. Jaryl called last night and said that he maybe will comeup Friday Morning. His days off are FRI and SAt. I asked if he could come up after work on Thursay. I am stressed, because of the blood work. He says maybe. I am so sick of MAYBE! I am sick of MAYBE about my health, me finding a roommate, finding an appartment I can afford.
Felicia * Fish says:
I don't know if I should let Jaryl in my life with all of this turn of his feelings (things were great with us until June, when he started freaking out)
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
I don't know if I should just tell him to go figure things out and break up and move on. This would be easy to do if I had friends up here. It would be easy if I was the one in e-burg with friends and going through this alone, after a bogus break-up.
Felicia * Fish says:
I am confused by his "I'll be your partner" through this. I am feeling so desparet to not go through this alone.
diane says:
yeah, well could u move back?
Felicia * Fish says:
There are no therapist jobs down there.
diane says:
well maybe u just need a good friend and not a partner
diane says:
oh
diane says:
well what about yakima?
Felicia * Fish says:
My parents want me to move back to Yakima. I need to be around family and friends. I HATE yakima. I love bellingham, the area. I am just alone.
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
Diane...I am so upset. I don't know if Jaryl is going to be here tonight to tomarrow, or in the relationship for that matter.
diane says:
Felicia... wow- you are defitnitely going through a lot right now and if Jaryl can't be there for you as a partner/bf at least let him be a friend. maybe letting him back in as a friend will ease things for him
Felicia * Fish says:
I have thought about it. We have been together for 2 years and had/have a wonderful relationship.
Felicia * Fish says:
I want a partner!
diane says:
k
diane says:
well in ur guys' 2 year relationship- have u guys had a good balance of friendship and relationship?
Felicia * Fish says:
My heart is breaking.
diane says:
i understand u want a partner, but maybe right now Jaryl can't be that to you
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
we didn't have belence up here. we didn't meet anyone up here.
diane says:
well that's probably the main cause of things, over here u guys had a good balance in lif, but over there u guys only had eachother
Felicia * Fish says:
i agree
diane says:
and especially with all that u've been through the past few months, jaryl prob got really freaked out and didnt have anyone to talk to about all that was going on. how old is he?
Felicia * Fish says:
24, i am 26
Felicia * Fish says:
diane, i love him so much. we were so great together. i wish he saw what you just said.
diane says:
well just tell him what i said then or at least point it out to him
Felicia * Fish says:
i have
diane says:
and what does he say
Felicia * Fish says:
he agrees, but now he simply scared. he is scared about not seeing himself marrying me, therefore needs to end a good relationship. i don't understand.
diane says:
well maybe he thinks since ur getting around the age of when most people do want to settle down. he's possibly scared of disaapointing u, i think he thinks that if he ends it now, it'll be a lot easier than being 4 yrs in a relationship
Felicia * Fish says:
that is good point
diane says:
i mean i can see his somewhat of a logical reason to that, but it's still right. i think he needs to realize that everything does happen for a reason. and that if there's no real reason for u guys to break up now- at least keep dating and wait until u guys cant be with each other because if he keeps fearing that he'll disappoint u, it'll only hurt u guys
Felicia * Fish says:
it is hard to move from big relationship to dating. but i'd rather that than nothing at all.
\diane says:
just dont settle remember that felicia. if you're not fully happy with someone- dont just settle b/c u'd rather be someone than be alone
Felicia * Fish says:
i agree...
diane says:
and yes, what you are going through right now is a very hard time in your life
Felicia * Fish says:
it is easy for me to say that i deserve better. but i am alone.
diane says:
but instead of thinking that you need a partner- maybe instead having a good friend to give u support is better yeah, well i dont think u're quite alone- i mean u are in bellingham- have u gone out to meet people? perhaps making friends with the local coffee people
Felicia * Fish says:
i need to try and meet people.
diane says:
yeah, you're pretty outgoing and friendly
diane says:
it wouldnt be too hard if u went out and tried
Felicia * Fish says:
i am so used to easily meeting while at school (7 years!)
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
I feel socially inept when most of the people here are in college, are having coffee with friends and i am sitting alone. I had no idea that when I moved up here, how hard it was going to be to meet people.
diane says:
yeah...
Felicia * Fish says:
I have never had this problem - ever.
diane says:
well this can be ur opportunity. this can be ur opportunity to learn how to make new friends without classes and through mutual interests
Felicia * Fish says:
true. your right. i am just feeling so low right now.
diane says:
yeah, i understand that it's really tough right now for you- with all that's happening
Felicia * Fish says:
i just feel so stuck on wanting jaryl to open up his eyes.
diane says:
but just try and keep ur spirits high
Felicia * Fish says:
all i can do is try
diane says:
yeah, but sometimes people cant fully open their eyes and see the big picture or what's right in front of them right away- it may all take some time. i think u should just do what u've been telling him. let him try and figure out what he wants for himself on his own
Felicia * Fish says:
it will take time. i am in so much shock with so much that has happened the past month, weeks.
diane says:
yeah i bet. i'm in shock from just hearing it all
Felicia * Fish says:
thanks
diane says:
you're welcome
diane says:
felicia though, just try and keep ur spirits high and know that everything does happen for a reason
Felicia * Fish says:
it will take time...but right now am so scared about what tomorrow will bring in terms of, living, relationship, social, and health
diane says:
try and look at the brighter side of things and know that in the end everything will be okay
Felicia * Fish says:
in the end things will work out. just right now. i am experiencing a kind of loneliness i have never felt in my life.
diane says:
yeah understandable
Felicia * Fish says:
i need to pick up my spirits in case he doesn't actually come up here tonight or tomarrow...i just can't have him seeing me like this.
diane says:
exactly, i think he wants to see and know that you're doing okay. so then that way he can go back to normal
Felicia * Fish says:
good point
diane says:
instead of feeling like it's nothing but a big mess. how are u doing now?
Felicia * Fish says:
still depressed
diane says:
well go on a hikr or do something active to get ur mind off of things
Felicia * Fish says:
i just feel it hard to even get out bed.
diane says:
but being in bed will only make it worse
Felicia * Fish says:
i should get up and get started on paperwork. God, i have never felt so low before! I scared about this blood work thing today.
diane says:
everything will be okay, just have faith. k well dont worry bout it too much. that won't help
Felicia * Fish says:
have faith
diane says:
yeah
Felicia * Fish says:
thank you for talking with me
diane says:
you're welcome, anytime, i hope things do work out for the best for you. keep me updated with everything. and just think- if things dont work out with jaryl the way u want it to be, then it wasnt meant to be and that there is someone else out there who is willing to give u what u want
Felicia * Fish says:
i know that your are right about that last thing, it is just to hard for me to feel that right now. but, yes, in the bigger picture, i hope that i will find some as wonderful as him - who isn't scared.
diane says:
just have faith. and although it's very hard right now. who knows where your life will be a few months from now. everything will be okay
Felicia * Fish says:
thanks...i may call tonight if he doesn't come up, after 9pm
diane says:
just know that i'm here to talk or listen whenever u want. well just give me a call anyway
Felicia * Fish says:
talk to you later
diane says:
k talk to you later, have a good day! think positive. be positive!
Felicia * Fish says:
i'll try
diane says:
k ttyl
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