empty, force, hope, too much
i am feeling fucking empty.
one months things are great and other your future, your happiness is gone. gone!
i hate this.
i am fucking force feeding myself because everying who is like a million miles away are "worried" about my huge weightloss. 109 to 97 to 100 ...
so i am forcing myself to eat and i feel sick. i am depressed and LONELY. i never thought that when i moved up here things would turn into such crap. CRAP!
why why why why does this have to happen? why can my lovely daydreams come true? it isn't like my hopes and prayers are really all that out of reach from reality. i guess that is what it tearing my heartout. my prayers are reasonable, and if they do not materialize then i am truely crushed. crushed crushed crushed.
please, just let me hear the words "i love you. i miss you. i regret. i cannot imagine life without you." how can a person who so-called says that he love you and the relationship leave! how can a person walk away from a happy relationship? how can fear be more powerful than love? why me? do i not deserve the best, what i want? do i not deserve happiness?
please please please have the phone ring. why doesn't it ring. why do i have to be sick and stuck at home with all of my thoughts and memmories of us. why does he tell me he loves me, miss me, and that there is hope? what the HELL do i do with that? hope is what i long for but also what will possibily prolong this misery. hope the double edged sword.
it is too dark. it is too quiet. it is too lonely. it is too far from what i saw happening. it is too sureal. it is too depressing. it is too confusing. it is too pathetic. it is to unresponsive. it is just too much.
| Your IQ Is 105 |
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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005
before | after