07.5.2005 | 10:53 a.m.
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion

Well, I am back in Bellingham after spending the 4th of July weekend with JV and my family. It was so wonderful to spend time with my mom, dad, brother, his wife, their 4 children and foster child. It was the pick me up that I needed. My niece got another rabbit called a Lion’s Mane. It actually has a mane! I got to spend some quality time with JV in the evenings when he got home from his first few days back at work. We went to the Yakima Fairgrounds and witnessed a spectacular fireworks show. In all, it is great.

But I couldn’t help but leave with a hint of sadness and frustration today. He continues to say that he loves me and cherishes the relationship we have. He assures that he both is planning on returning to Bellingham (he considers himself still living in B’ham but working in E’burg) and is unsure if he will return. I finally called him on this. I told him that I want him to be happy. I have faith that he will use this summer to grow each day. I explained to him that I think that he is clearly struggling with some role change, from student to adult, from job to a less then financially satisfying career. He is needing to feed his soul this summer. I do too. All positive things that can be, and should be, done in a relationship. But, I explained to him that that I didn’t understand why he is still questioning leaving a loving, healthy, great relationship that he is satisfied with because he is unsure about his future. [Granted that the summer has just begun for us.] I can understand that not being sure about one’s own future can make a person unsure about one’s relationship. Plain and simple: he loves his partner, he loves the relationship, he is scared and unsure about his future. Again, why question leaving the wonderful relationship? Why does he still hang the “I may not comeback at the end of summer” over our heads, when it is about him finding peace within himself and not about the relationship being fractured?

I hope and pray that he clears his head and grows (continue to grow) in ways that he needs to this summer, ditto for me. I truly believe that this will make us stronger as individuals and therefore a couple. But, it is nerve wracking to know that his fear of the future might overpower his love for the relationship. It is nerve wracking to think that we can continue to have wonderful weekends (when he is not out on a fire) and the next weekend he can call the whole thing off, not because he is unhappy with the relationship or me, because he cannot tell the future and doesn’t know where his career is going. All I can do is continue and support him 110% and hope that he doesn’t let fear of uncertainty win. I feel that we will both lose a lot in the name of fear. Mind you, I (we) wouldn’t be singing this tune if we had problems.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005