05.15.2005 | 11:12 p.m.
not permited, forgive?, no call, no clue, silly me

Jv went to Montana for his brother’s graduation. He did not allow me to go so that “he doesn’t have to share his time.” So glad that he didn’t take my feelings into consideration. I am really offended that he didn’t allow me to go. He told me two days before he left. As if, waiting to tell me would make me feel any better about being left out on an important family event. This speaks volumes about how he sees me in his life. In all fairness, I was deeply moved by his serenade before he left. I figured I would definitely put all things aside since I can trust him and he will call me. However….

He called me once! First he doesn’t tell me until the last minute, forbade me to go, doesn’t call me to say “hay, I made it to Montana. The graduation was great. I miss you. Wish you were here. I will call you later. I love you. No, rather, he acts like I am intruding on his space and time. No clue when he’ll be home. No clue. No clue about a lot of things.

And we are wondering why I have no sex drive. Maybe because we don’t communicate, there is a whole lot of “taking things for granted” going on, and when we do communicate it is a feeble attempt to fix something that actually takes quality time to remedy.

And I am the one who is going to look like a bitch for not jumping up and down when he walks through the door because I have a hard time pretending that the aforementioned didn't happen and is not acceptable. So it is up to me to make things better by pretending and acting as if I don’t have feelings.

Silly me for thinking, again, that he’d actually think about making things up with me by showing up with flowers. That would take a level of empathy, consideration, effort and romance that would erase this all, only because that he doesn’t do this. It isn’t even a matter of him getting a clue because I have spelled this out more than once. Whatever.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005