05.10.2005 | 9:43 p.m.
friendless

I am feeling kinda lonely. No offence, but I need more than JV.
I don’t have any female friends. I don’t even know how to meet people anymore. Where to do I start?

Grade school and Middle School was hell. I went from the “skinny little mexican girl” in an all-white private Catholic school. (I got tried of explaining that Spain is like an Ocean of a difference between Mexico.) I gain A LOT of weight, and became the “chubby outcast Mexican girl.” The girls were witches to me, throwing food at me in the cafeteria, leaving me with fill in the blank suicide notes for me to leave in hopes that I would kill myself, etc. Needless to say, I didn’t have any girlfriends, nor did I trust any. Little did they know that I was being repeatedly raped by my aunt’s boyfriend for three summers. I began starving myself because he would tease me that I had no friends because I how much of a pig I was. This is a whole different story.

In high school, I had like 2 girlfriends who I didn’t really confide in or get to know. I mainly had guyfriends.

During my undergraduate years (1997-2001), my ED prevented me from making any real friends, male or female. It didn’t help that I was in a long term relationship that lasted 4 years from high school, that lead to an engagement, that lead to him sleeping with his volleyball partner 1 month before the wedding, that lead to relapse, that lead to delving deeper into school and not “needing” any friends. The last 2 years of college I met 2 really awesome girls, one recovering from anorexia. The three of us had such a bond, one that I have never experienced before. I wish wouldn’t have taken it from granted at the time. Then we graduated and Cara went to backpack Europe, Shannon moved to Seattle to get married, and I started graduate school.

In graduate school (2001-2004) I actually enjoyed hanging out with other girlfriends. But it was graduate school. Everyone kind realized that these friendships were “for now” friendships. I keep in contact with one girl.

Here I am, I took a job in a different city where I don’t know anyone. My boyfriend moved with me and we have a roommate who is always at his girlfriend’s place and actually is kind of a recluse. I am starting to think that I will never have girlfriends. I am 26 years old and feel really lonely. I don’t even know how I would even meet other women or what to say. “Hi, you want to be my friend?” God…I am inept.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005