04.21.2005 | 8:15 a.m.
french, anxiety dream, tomorrow

I just got my first set of fake nails, French manicure. That was nice. I went shopping for jeans and left feeling like a cow. Will I always be stuck in the same drab clothes because I don’t feel confident in the dressing room? I have been taking two day breaks from the gym because I don’t want to gain, but am afraid I am gaining if I don’t go. Lose Lose.

I had a horrible anxiety nightmare. The one where I am late for an appointment with a client and the weather is really really bad. I have this anxiety of balancing if I should brave the storm, stay where I am at. If course, I am more concerned with not ruining my car, missing a workout with my boyfriend, etc. In the dream, I made it to the counseling appointment a half hour late and the new client was talking about difficulty in trusting and how me not being on time makes him feel worse. I wanted to sleep in today, but this dream made me get up at 7am and stare at my computer screen.

I have my appointment for the Colposcopy tomorrow. A part of me wants to waste the day and self loath. The other part wants to get busy and distracted. Tomorrow I am going to be a bigger wreck until 3:15pm.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005