03.18.2005 | 12:54 p.m.
What does your ED do for you?, what "purpose" does it serve you?

I couldn't say it any better...invisABILITY

1. My ED allows time to stand still. I'm not expected to accomplish anything, because I'm sick. If I recover, I will have to move forward in life. That means finding new direction, exposing myself to new challenges, & ultimately facing the possibility of failure. I guess I would rather not try something at all, than try & fail… or even worse, be mediocre.

2. My ED is a substitute for human emotions. It introduces chaos, control, pride, & disappointment into my life. It allows me to experience human emotion without subjecting myself to human interaction.

3. My ED keeps me at a distance from people. It keeps me from being vulnerable. It isolates me so that I don't have to form & maintain relationships. It keeps me from getting close to people... and when I do find myself getting attached to people, I immediately push them away. (This also keeps me from moving forward in life.)

4. My ED makes my family & friends worry about me. It makes them want to take care of me & comfort me. It gets me attention, both negative & positive attention. Even though I push them away & resent the attention on one level, on another level, it's nice to know that people care about my well-being.

5. My ED serves as a form of self-masochism for failures in my past. I am punishing myself for things that have gone wrong, that weren’t perfect, that didn’t go my way.

6. My ED is a form of suicide. I don’t feel worthy of life. I feel unaccomplished & unfulfilled. Most of all, I feel so unaffected. It’s like I’m numb to the world; I block out emotions (to make me feel safe, protected, like nothing’s gone wrong, like everything’s perfect?). I don’t like the person I’ve become; in fact, I hate her & I don’t want to be her anymore. The person I’ve become must die. Either I become a new person (i.e., recover from my ED & create some sort of purpose in this world… which is soooo hard to do!), or else I must die. I can’t let my current persona survive… It’s not a life worth living. So I deny myself food – the essence of life – as a form of slow suicide.

7. My ED serves as a “substitute problem.” If I focus on my ED, then I’m too enwrapped to deal with the real issues & problems that exist in my life. If I’m busy with my ED (either engaging in ED’d behavior or focusing on recovery), then other issues get placed on the backburner. Like the saying goes: “Out of sight, out of mind.”

8. My ED gives me a sense of power. I am a miracle worker of sorts. I can eat thousands upon thousands of calories, enjoy the delectable delights that regular dieters shy away from, and yet I still remain underweight. It’s like a magic trick: “Watch me eat 30,000 calories and actually lose weight!” I’m defying nature. In this sense, the ED makes me feel powerful and in-control.

9. My ED gives me a sense of identity. I used to be the accomplished one. When all of that crumbled, at least I had the ED to fall back on: now I’m “that anorexic chick.” As pathetic as that is, the number of women who are jealous of my situation amazes me. They think that my ED is about weight, & they’re jealous that I lost x-number of pounds & maintain at a low weight. They envy me for that, because they think I have amazing control (when it’s actually the complete opposite).

10. My ED allows me to hurt others. It’s a big, giant “FUCK YOU!” to everyone who’s ever caused me pain. Now they see my pain, my anguish, my despair. They see my sallow & jaundiced eyes, my thinning hair, my dry skin, my bones, my sadness, my continued emaciation. They realize that I MIGHT DIE , and they regret all of the pain they might have caused me in the past.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005