02.22.2004 | 2:44 p.m.
want it, up and down, why 100, i need to think that

i am tired of this shit. having my weight and what i eat determine if i go out with friends, what i wear, if i eat again, what i eat, if i have sex, if i workout, if feel happy, if i feel cute, if i feel worthy, if i have energy, if i like others, if do what i want to do, if i am friendly, if i have a good day or a bad day.

this past week has been real up and real down..100, 101, 100, 102, 101, 103....it has gotten to my head so badly that i was thinking...well i took a big dump and that has to be a pound...

my weight changes every day! i haven't weighed in in two days, what if the number has increased! i can't tell. i can always feel 110 and be 100. i could feel 100 and be 103 (and hear comes the tears).

i have been lifting free weights every morning, doing push ups and 300 crunches. i want 100 and i want it now, i want 100 and i want to maintain it. i am cutting carbs, going to drink more water, and eat more fruits and veggies. i am happier when i am 100 and feel free to do what i please when i am 100. therefore, i need to be 100. or less.

a good thing, J says that i am beautiful, doesn't think i should loss weight, he loves my body.

well, i need to think all that about myself. this is why i need to be 100.

here we go...God i hope i get there and NOT mess it up! Now is a good time, just over my period.

i think i am going to start diet pills or lax if i have to

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005