01.07.2004 | 2:40 p.m.
i have to, and have to, and fat, and stop crying.

ok....i really need to finish this application. i really need to to finish these essays tonight! i really need to get that paper copied and the essays to the people I am wanting recommendations from.

AND i am REALLY sick and i am getting the feeling that j just doesn't want to deal with my stressed/sick ass.

speaking of ass, i haven't weighted myself and i want to die. i am to scared. i hate not knowing if i really have gained weight straight to my hips or if i just feel fat because i have eaten a little more and have not excersized this week.

it isn't that i don't like food. it isn't that i don't crave it. it is that i am afraid of it because i like food. so i scolled, and punish my self, and hate myself for looking this way and eating at all. ... all while i need to grab some balls and stop crying and get these essays done and try not think about j working out tonight in the gym outside my window while i sit and become fatter and uglier.

i hate me right now so much right now

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005