12.30.2003 | 3:16 p.m.
right and good, courage, feels it but is scared, lucky stars

i picked of J last night. Words cannot say how right and good it felt to have him kiss, hug, hold me. We could not stop just looking into each other’s eyes, kissing, touching hands… Wow, it was lovely to be in his arms. This morning everything felt so right. i started worrying that i am letting him in my life to much. We have been like this since July. It is kind of eating that he hasn’t been able to say “I love you.” i got the courage to ask him. "Your behaviors, your touch, the way you look at me, the way you hold me...all this feel so good and so right. Your behaviors tell me that you love me but you say that you are not ready. Why don't you? I want to share myself with you like that." i told him that it confuses me how he asks so loving but does say the words. He told me that he feels it but is to scared to say the words because "you can't take it back and I am worried about the future." he even told me that love has been on his mind a lot lately, especially after seeing me after so long. i told him that the risk of not taking it back will always be there and the future is uncertain whether or not you say the words. i also told him to think of the future as full of opportunity rather than full of uncertainty. i asked him what he wanted from me. He said for me to be patient and understanding. i told him that i will give him all the patience he needs because he deserves that. ...but i don't want to be a fool either. he understood. Man, i can't drive that point home. There is something that is re-assuring about hearing those words. i really have let him in my life and need that reassurance in order to continue feeling good about this good thing.

so we cuddled in bed until 1:30pm and are getting ready to go to the Olive Garden and movie. Oh, don't get me started on the fear of eating.

*sigh* it is nice to have someone look at me like that. someone smile at me like that. he even said that he can tell that i have been working out. He even said that i look more fit. Ok, i don't see it but i don't think i will ever see that. Boy, that felt GOOD to hear. oh, he is beautiful inside and out. What a man. What a man.

thank you thank you thank you lucky stars

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