05.11.2003 | 9:33 p.m.
Memories and know I know why, stupid sugar

102..101..101...101....please God never let me see 103. I feel like 105.

I had a horrible flashback today, more real than the little ones I usually experience when E and I are .... you know...making love.

I became nervous about pregnancy because I am on the pills that don't do anything for a week, which mean I am ovulating and about due to start my period. Anyways, I got nervous (I never get nervous about that stuff) and made him put on a condom. I felt bad dulling his pleasure because of my irrational concern. Irrational because I have been on the pill since I was 16 and never got pregnant. Because I felt bad, I took it off him and well…..there he went on the tank top I was wearing.

Now, I have always tried to avoid anyone “goes” on anything I was wearing. I always figured it was because I didn’t want to dirty my clothes and have to change them. Well, I freaked out. I started remembering again, but with vivid clarity. So much that I was having a hard time coming back to the here-and-now. It was like I was 12, 13, 14, again. (For those who don’t know, I was raped from 6th grade until was in the 9th and once more in 10th). I was back to praying to God that the bastard didn’t leave his evidence on my uniform. The consequences meant, soaking the jumper and lying to my mother that I spilled soda on it – worse having someone catch me in the lie.

I was shaking and terrified, “Stop it, stop it, get if off. I am scared” over and over. E was so understanding and patient. I told him that he has every right to be disappointed in me ruining the moment or being frustrated for being with such a defected girl. He told me that he didn’t have right to feel that way and that the only way for him to feel was understanding and patient. He told me that it wasn’t my fault and that if I blame myself then I am giving him power over me today. He gave a moment to get dressed and he opened his arms to me in the TV room, where I laid, safe, for a good hour. God, that felt good to hear. Some of the tears became mixed with relief. I was piling on the guilt into my plate on top of all of the flooding memories. Wow, now I know why have always prevented my partner from “going” on my clothes. I don’t want to give that bastard power. It is so hard, when so many times when I open myself physically to E, I have these horrible images and then it literally feels like it is happening again. This is when reality and memory become blurred. I just wish that there was way to thank E for being so supportive. Years ago I would said that I “needed” him or that he was my rock. He isn’t. He has taught me that I need to “need” me and not need anyone, and that I am my own rock. He just walks aside from me. As he always says, “It’s your world. Know that I am here for the ride.”

So much to think about.

Today:

NF Chi Tea

One Brioche

Two cups of dry cherrios

One lemon bar.

I really need to either eat nothing or something not sweet. God, lay off the empty calories. Stupid Sugar.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005