12.07.2003 | 8:41 a.m.
avoiding, jv, loveable, protection

to speak freely...i have been avoiding writing in this diary. i guess because each there seems to be something wonderful happening or someone dramatic. i have also been struggling with the fact that my counselor and nutritionist is helping me get back from 93lbs to 112. 112 WILL not happen. i have been freaking out about 100 and then 103 that I got back to 100….100 is my compromise and the cross that I am willing to fight tooth an nail to maintain even that is uncomfortable.

j and i have been lovely. wine, stars, day hikes, working out, 8 concerts, a week on the Oregon coast, helping get over my fear of water, good music, water falls, skinny dipping. Montana football trips, martinis, church, camping, him packing my lunches, him so patient, him never raising his voice, him so into me, he is beautiful, i've never dated anyone so in shape (that has been issue for me...he plays football works out for 2hrs a day and that has made me feel lazy), my friends say that we are a 'model' couple and will have beautiful children (me italian and spanish and him white and philippino). It is so refreshing to date someone who is like me. i have a bad habit of dating someone who is opposite of me and we are drawn together because we spend the relationship trying to understand the other people.

no, he doesn't love me...that has been an issue...he says he cares about me a lot. i care about him a lot. neither of us wants to get hurt. we don't know if i'll have to move or what. does this make sense? i am willing to love him if he is willing to say it so that i don't get hurt. so i am waiting and it is making me wonder if i am loveable. i think i am but do others? i have to remember that he is 22 and only been in love once and says that this is his first "mature" relationship. i am 24 and finishing up my education, looking at PhD programs and wanting a relationship that is going someway. i guess i want to be loved.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005