08.02.2003 | 10:11 a.m.
one day at a time, e regrets, jv's romance, taking it slow

well, yes..no update in a while.

the breakup rocked my world. i will never understand the break up. he says that the relationship was damn near perfect and that i didn't do anything. he says that he is still inlove with me but he is afraid of divorce. he wants a 100% guarantee. he said that he was to scard and so frustrated with me ot trusting him, my self consciousness, my eating disordered thinking that it would have drove him to hit me or cheat on me. i think that is bullshit. (have some self-control!) he put me in counseling on a daily basis for two weeks. i was close to just ending my life. no one is worth that. now I am a once a weeker. i have started to go to church. i have discovered the power of girlfriends. i have found strength in me that i didn't give myself credit for. i have dipped down to 95 pounds which i love but i was too depressed to fully enjoy. i have been moving around 96 and 98. i don't know where i am right now because i haven't weighed in for 2 weeks.

e still hasn't picked up his stuff.

i bought a new car which is a bonus. i have never owned a new car before.

i hear that e is missing me badly and realizing what he walked away from. i hear that he is miserable and i hate to admit it but i have glad that he is. this break up has taught me that i really do have a lot going for me.

i have had many guys approaching me to date. one, who was a student of my mine last quarter has poped into my life. he is VERY romantic. i have never experienced romance. he shows up with wine and takes me star gazing. he cooks me candle lit dinners. he is a good dancer. he calls and leaves sweet messages like "you have made me smile many times today." his touch is gentle and he is so patient. we talk and kiss until 2am and i have energy all day with me. we both agree that we will not have sex unless we are inlove which could be a month, a year, or never. he says that all this making out, staring, touching, and look eye gazes feels like making love and is enough for him. asked him if this was an act or where did he learn to treat women this well. he says that i enspire him to treat me well and that he was raised my his mother. through watching her raise three boys, he has learned that women are queens who are strong and deserve respect, patience, and attention.

me being spanish/italian/mexican and him being philipino(sp?)/white is nice. i have always dated white guys. i have never related so much to another guy in terms of culture and family up bringing.

the nicest thing is that we have been 100% honest from the get go. he says that he likes me and is ready for a relationship. (he hasn't had one in three years.) he has also turned down other girls because he wants to see where "we" go. he is willing to wait until i am ready. he says that he is afraid of getting hurt - so am i. he recongnizes that i will probable never fallout of love for e, damb i wanted to marry him, didn't see the break up coming. still...i am not ready to have a boyfriend. it is so quick. we both like being "more that friends" exclusively.

my friends tell me that i am stupid to not give jv a try. he is 22 and i am 24 is that a problem? he is 6'4" and i am 5'3". is that a problem? he is a forest firefighter, senior in college and just quick the football team to focus on his last year of college (not an ounce of fat...all muscle). he has enspired me to go running every night and workout. i want to be in as good shape as him.

in the mean time...i am still trying to walk away from e. show to him that he has made the worst decision of his life. everyone says that i can do better and he is the one that will regret it. i believe that i deserve someone who recognizes that i am special and accepts all of me. i deserve somone who is committed.

right now, i am taking one day at a time (when it comes to me and when it comes to this "thing" with jv and me). he has been at a wildfire for the past two days and maybe back anytime between today and next week. this sucks but is also nice. it helps things from not moving so fast.

i am going to weight myself now. if i am at 96 i'll go get a latte. if I am 97 or 98 i will not. drum roll please (as i bite my nails).

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005