04.20.2003 | 11:34 a.m.
Easter food, aneurism, routine, why 95?

i haven’t made an entry in a while. Why? Oddly enough, i haven’t had much drama in my life. It is said to realize this, but it makes sense. More copasetic life is, the less i need to vent and process my feelings.

Today is Easter. Normally, my family has a huge barbeque. This makes avoiding eating a full meal easy. i can focus on talking with family members i haven’t seen, helping my mother helping the guest, and playing with my brother’s children. This year, there is no barbeque. This year, my brother went out of town. Therefore, E and i are going out to eat with my parents. Therefore, i cannot avoid food! We will see how that goes!

i am wearing a cute dress that shows a lot of skin and is kind of form fitting. i hope that that will help me avoid eating so much.

i have been getting really bad headaches. They are usually in the morning, right when i wake up. One morning I told E that i was convinced that i was going to have a brain aneurism. Well, felt like one! - the kind that pulsates and makes a person afraid to even stand upright.

i have also been keeping my promises to myself lately. We will see how long that lasts. i have been lifting weights in the mornings and doing sit ups. I am kinda like the routine and convenience. The routine especially, i have a tinge of obsessive compulsive personality disorder in case you can’t tell. The routine (forgive me, i don’t know the proper names for these expercises): 10 bicep curls, 10 raises, 10 underarm firmers, 10 peck definers and repeat for a total of 30 each. i end on 75 sit ups (the kind with legs straight up and you alternate touching your toes). i started with less, and this is where i am at now. i know that there are some hardcore exercise bulimics out there that are probably giggling at this meager attempt. i have never been an exercise person. i have never tried the toning up thing. It has been two weeks, everyday, i am actually seeing results!

However, my weight is a whole different battle field altogether! i am so ashamed for not being at 95 that i don’t have the mental stamina to even type about right now.

Why am i totally convinced that if i shape and starve my body into what i want that i will be happy. Do i really think that it is going to make me more connected with the people around me? i am feeling less and less connected with the people i called my dear friends lately. Class ends and we all scatter. Later, i hear how fun the Tav was or Godfathers was. i am wondering, why wasn’t i told about that? Am i going to be happy when i am 95lbs someday? A part of me hopes so because that is only thing that i can really control and make happen if i set my mind to it. A part of me doesn’t want me to set my mind to it because that side knows that my mind is capable. Another hospitalization or more health problems doesn’t seem in the horizon. But, that is what i thought last time. How do i really truly know? Confused, yes.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005