12.28.2003 | 1:27 p.m.
i've been busy, preparing for J's return, worried, applications

Well, J is due back tomorrow. It was a lot easier than i was dreading.

J finally ended up calling after being gone for a week. i was not happy with him. Unfortunately i was to happy to hear from him to tell him how much it hurt that he hadn’t called.

Oh, i got my hair foiled! First time ever changing my hair color. It has strips of my natural brown, and rich dark brown, and a red mahogany. i can actually say i simply love my hair. It isn’t hi-I’m-sixteen-years-old-striped – a look i was spearing clear from.

Christmas Eve wasn’t too lonely…a 4-hour coffee with A at Starbucks and midnight mass was beautiful. i was sad that J didn’t call.

Christmas my parents picked me up and went to my brothers. His children got way too many gifts. i was blessed with a lot this Christmas: $98 dollars for my hair, a pier one white cotton shower curtain, clear curtain, silver shower rings, a wine rack, wine glass decorations, wine glasses, wine coasters, a red suede duvet and matching pillow covers, new sheets (white with red cherries & and matching pillow covers), disposable camera, $20 gift card for Borders, $20 gift card for Safeway, and a 680 minute phone card. i spent too much and would like to have more money so that i could J another Christmas gift before he gets back.

By 9pm on Christmas i was not happy that J didn’t not call me. i has a friend call him because i couldn’t find my phone card and it tacky to call collect. i told him how him not calling me made me really questions his feelings towards, especially when he knows how depressing Christmas is and my friends are calling me because they now that i am spending much of the holiday alone.

Day after Christmas i went snowboarding with a friend JG. It was nice. He stopped at the lodge 6 times to smoke! When i go snowboarding i only make one or two stops and go from 9am to 5pm. We left early because he was tired. i couldn’t really say much because he paid for everything. Later that night we when to see Lord of the Rings and that got out at 1:30am. Yeah, i was tired.

Thankfully J called yesterday. He was recovering from going out Friday. i am really trying to trust him. He is trustworthy. i just get nervous because he said “everyone was out, it was like a high school reunion.” He is very attractive, who wouldn’t hit on him. i’m just have a harder time trusting any guy when they are drunk, pushing the envelope (checking other girls out, dancing with girls, flirting with girls,…). Whatever, i know that in reality i have nothing to worry about.

Today, i am trying to get those applications started before he gets here. i have been working out everyday with B (minus a day or two) for the past two weeks. i actually got down to 99. i don’t know what i am today, too scared to look. i am worried that J will come back and realize how fat i am and how he could to better looks wise. Don’t get be wrong i think i have a whole lot going for me. i am about finished with my masters, looking at doctoral programs, i love research, wine, and well i think i am a catch (to toot my own horn). i just worry that i am to fat and not attractive enough, even though he tells me that he is intimidated me be. Me! That is hard for me to believe.

Well i should get to those applications before B calls about going to workout.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005