04.05.2003 | 10:42 a.m.
books, having "it", not feeling 99.

i went shopping. Bought a lot of fun clothes. Clothes that scream, you better stay thin to look good in me. i got these cool j-lo sunglasses. i actually got to cash in my book gift certificates i got for my birthday in january. i got Beloved, Wicked, She's Come Undone, and Hannabil (sp?). i don't know when i am going to have the time to read these books. i am starting on She's Come Undone. It is part of Oprah's book club, so it can't be that bad. i hope that these books help me prioritize my "me time."

i am starting my recuitment for screening for group counseling. i have already started on group, it is really interesting co-leading. i feel that i have a hang on it. i have had two supervisiors tell me that they are really impressed by my clinical work and it is clear that i have "it." Wow, this makes me so happy because i have only started at the clinic on Monday!

Body image wise, i have been feeling really low on my self. One day i was at 101 and another i was actually at 99. You'd think that that would make me jump for joy. it didn't. why? Because i didn't feel like i looked like 99 or 100. i feel like i am actually bigger. blah, i am at the library. i feel weird writting about this right now. 03.27.2003 | 9:22 a.m.

the square white god, Holy Shit!, cycle

Wahoo! I took the plunge and stepped on that white square numbered god (a.k.a. the bathroom scale). When it hits 90 I usually lean on the counter and slowly release, watching the numbers slowing creep to my actual weight. I do this every time, that way those pesky numbers don’t jump and sneak up on me from outa nowhere. Now, back to my Wahoo moment. There I was, watching the numbers ease closer to 100. As I released myself more from the counter, I anticipated the worst, the worst being back to round 105. Low and behold, the red hand stopped at 100!

The sweet and sour of “Holy shit, I have been eating everyday and doing nothing. This can’t be right. I feel like a hippo right now” and then to “Holy shit, I am at an acceptable weight. Just weight until I lose more.”

So ya, I rode on that tidbit of information that this white square god gave me for most of the day. Then, as any true pessimist would do, I felt the pressure to keep at 100 or lower. The ever-present nagging feeling of, “Don’t you DARE ruin this with that pb and j!” As so the cycle begins.

Today’s agenda: Draw myself a drawing (it’s been over year), make some tea, call a friend, write some essays for some scholarships. Joy! I dread to think that break so half way over. I need to stay busy so I don’t regret.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005