01.25.2003 | 11:39 p.m.
won't do it, broken mirror, fat day, flat tummy

http://www.black-glitter.org/lunchbox/index.php i came across this sight. i promised E that i would not partake in forums. it scares me and him. he says that it is playing with fire. i agree. for some time i didn't agree, thinking that he should trust me. he shouldn't. if he totally trusted me and i burned myself he would not be there to catch me before i get third degree burns. now that i am typing i feel empowered. for the moment anyhow. i still have my good days and bad days. i think one of my mirrors are broken. when i take a shower or when i pull up my shirt to see if i am getting wider, i look different. what means is that in one mirror a smile may come across me, thinking WOW maybe i am attractive, maybe i would be considered thin, wow 103 doesn't look half bad. THEN in the other mirror my smile is slapped right off my face. this mirror tells me that i 103 should look thinner - i look fatter, wider, average, not thin. That is another thing. i have been thinking more and more lately that average doesn't equal thin. 5'4" and 103 or 101 isn't thin. average = you've got 10 more to lose befor heads turn. i don't even know if I want heads to turn. because if they do they will only lie to me and say, "hon, you're too skinny." really they just don't like the compitition. oh, jeez. now that i see myself writing that I know i don't really think this. i just feel this way. and sometimes feeling is more real than thinking. i see now that i am just having one of those i feel fat days. maybe i will wake up feel my flat tummy and have the gall to go on with the day semi-functional in this sad area of my life. gosh, half the time i don't know if this diary helps me see the error in my thinking or let me indulge in my errored thinking. would that be a terrible thing? bed time...much studying to do 01.14.2003 | 11:22 p.m. nix, typical game, the next day Nix that last entry. As usual, we talked, disagreed, pouted, talked, got angry, talked again. Damb miscommunication. Damb emotions. Playing the chatch up game is over, in regards to classes. Now I am playing the typical graduate keep-your-head-above-water game. What will the next day bring me? I hope it is encouragement. I hope that it is hope. I hope that it is a message that I can handle ANYTHING that comes my way. My biggest barrier to me is me. that is both empowering and intimidating. Cheers, waiting for E to come hope from work...@ midnight.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005