03.27.2003 | 9:22 a.m.
the square white god, Holy Shit!, cycle

Wahoo! I took the plunge and stepped on that white square numbered god (a.k.a. the bathroom scale). When it hits 90 I usually lean on the counter and slowly release, watching the numbers slowing creep to my actual weight. I do this every time, that way those pesky numbers don’t jump and sneak up on me from outa nowhere. Now, back to my Wahoo moment. There I was, watching the numbers ease closer to 100. As I released myself more from the counter, I anticipated the worst, the worst being back to round 105. Low and behold, the red hand stopped at 100!

The sweet and sour of “Holy shit, I have been eating everyday and doing nothing. This can’t be right. I feel like a hippo right now” and then to “Holy shit, I am at an acceptable weight. Just weight until I lose more.”

So ya, I rode on that tidbit of information that this white square god gave me for most of the day. Then, as any true pessimist would do, I felt the pressure to keep at 100 or lower. The ever-present nagging feeling of, “Don’t you DARE ruin this with that pb and j!” As so the cycle begins.

Today’s agenda: Draw myself a drawing (it’s been over year), make some tea, call a friend, write some essays for some scholarships. Joy! I dread to think that break so half way over. I need to stay busy so I don’t regret.

03.25.2003 | 5:42 p.m.
The Palace, liquid, Ahhhh!,

i feel like a failure. K and i went to the library and then The Palace. E is going to be home any minute, therefore i cannot put an exercise tape on and sweat off these pounds.

god, i hate my body! At The Palace I drnk two glasses of water, one and half glass of diet soda, half a cup of coffee. i ate a small baked potato, with a teaspoon of butter. i ordered a slice of apple pie! i want to hide under a rock. i want to be skinny so fucking bad. i need to keep a level head about me. i need to realize that that is really not much, mostly liquid. It just feels like i eat french fries and a whole pizza. weird. i am not going to eat anything else today! Besides, yesterday, i only eat five bites of E's french toast, a pb and j, and 9 fries. not bad, but i could better. Ahhhhh! i need feel the need to starve. As i read those words, i know that this is bad to feel this way. whatever, i want to see ribs before I got on that stupid scale! Maybe liquid is the answer, especially if it is making me feel that bad about myself. 03.25.2003 | 9:34 a.m.
weight in a week, stupid haircut, 2 month marriage

Spring Break – at last! i have done a lot of scholarship checking. i hope to get a few sent out in week, if i really put my mind to it.

i got a hair cut and cried. It was at my bra strap, now just past my shoulders. i told her “just two inches.” Well, that was when it was dry. When she washed my hair, and it was wet, 2” is more like 4”. I hate it!. At least, I know that it will be where I wanted it originally once summer vacation starts, 10 weeks from now. God, I still want to cry about it. E doesn’t understand how important my hair is to me. It is the only damn thing that I like about my self. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

i promised myself one meal a day and no weighing myself during the break. i feel like i'm 102, sometimes 120, sometimes 100, sometimes 101. i'm probably around 101. i guess that i am just too chick to check. Ok, i'll check a week from now. That way, if i see more than 102, i can rest assure that i will lose more, with school distracting me all day until like 7pm.

i called B and it is true, he (25 years old) just asked some little girl (19 years old) to marry him. He has only dated her for 2 months. He says that they want the same things, a family and long term relationship. He has “found God” and that God told him that he should marry her. He goes to church 4 times a day, all night. i don’t get it. He is isn’t the best friend that i use to know. He wants me to go down there during the break and see him and meet his fiancé. i am afraid because” (1) i will cry because he won’t be my best friend, (2) i can’t manage to fake that this marriage will work, (3) i don’t want to rude and (4) i don’t want to preach to him and his little girl.

I think that I am going to call K, get some coffee, and go to the library.

01.14.2003 | 11:22 p.m.
nix, typical game, the next day

Nix that last entry.

As usual, we talked, disagreed, pouted, talked, got angry, talked again. Damb miscommunication. Damb emotions.

Playing the chatch up game is over, in regards to classes. Now I am playing the typical graduate keep-your-head-above-water game.

What will the next day bring me? I hope it is encouragement. I hope that it is hope. I hope that it is a message that I can handle ANYTHING that comes my way. My biggest barrier to me is me. that is both empowering and intimidating.

Cheers, waiting for E to come hope from work...@ midnight.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005