01.12.2003 | 8:07 p.m.
ticked off

Okay, so E gets back from drill. I am still feeling nauseous and weak. I am still shaken by the whole ambulance, ER dehydration thing. He comes home (after not seeing him since the incident) and takes a shower. My parents take us to dinner for a late birthday thing. I eat solid food for the first time in a while. My stomach is killing me. Finally we are home. I couldn’t wait to relax with him and tell him about being home alone and still being shaken. What does he do? He plops him self on the floor. Puts a training video tape in and proceeds to put together a backpack he got from drill. He has now been at it since 5:30 pm. It is after 8:00pm. I am sitting in silence in the other room crying. He doesn’t bloody care. I feel like I am going to get sick and he doesn’t blood care. I am staring at the wall wondering why he is being such a bastard.

I haven’t spent time with him since Wednesday. He was gone Thursday and Friday. Friday I collapsed. He leaves Friday night and doesn’t come back until today. Today he is fiddling with his stupid backpack. Monday we are both busy with school until night time. Tuesday he is off again from 7am 12 midnight.

I am not asking for more time together. But is there something wrong with this picture! Am I blind! Don’t a deserve a little attention from him at all! I am sure he will find a way to turn this around on me. I am so mad at him I could scream.

01.11.2003 | 12:47 p.m.
severe hydration and malnutrition.

Jan 8th -

My 24th birthday. Good morning. E made a latte. I had an orange in my office. It was quiet. E surprised me while I was teaching my class for the first day. They all sang happy birthday. Mandy took me out to the Tav for a beer. E made me pasta (I ate a cup). Ana gave me a chocolate cake and Jimmy gave me a card. My sister called. My parents called.

Jan 9th -

11:00 Drank a non-fat latte

2:00 Ate a power par

5:00 Headache, ate half a cheese sandwich

6:00 Class, felt warm and cold

7:00 Break, temp at 99

9:00 Done with class, temp 101

10:00 Temp at 102

Jan 10th –

7:30 Ana took me to my group supervision

10:00 Ana took me home (canceled class)

11:30 Campus doctor, “You have a flu like virus. Here is phenergan (sp?). Take one 25mg every 12 hours for two days.”

1:00 Took the medication

2:00 E stops by

3:30 E takes me to school, pick up stuff say happy b-day to Sue and Mandy, pick up my check

4:00 Go to Safeway to get sicky food.

4:20 I felt sick to my stomach. In line, I told E, "I feel like I am going to faint." I black out while at the checkout line

I was out of consciousness for 8 minutes. Woke up in the ambulance. I would hear people talking but couldn't respond. I had so many tubes hooked up to me. So glad to see E. My parents, brother and his four kids showed up. They ran urine tests, blood tests, gave me oxygen, ran an EKG. They IVed 2 liters of fluid into me. Diagnosis: Severe hydration & malnutrition.

I didn’t get home until 9:30pm. They put me on a liquid diet for two days, soft foods for 3 days and then certain not-soft foods. I am so behind in classes. I don’t know how I am going to make it through this coming week with clients, classes, teaching, and everything else.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005