01.06.2003 | 8:42 p.m.
guilty actions, guilty feelings, hope

Lately i have actually felt thin. Which i had to ruin, of course. My birthday is on Wednesday and i want to be skinny. i hate getting older, it makes me feel less attractive. Maybe i can try to be motivated to be the youngest and thinnest old chick. Yuk, 24 when i feel like 22. There really is a huge difference.

So how did I ruin it? Yesterday, only ate two things. Good, yes. Light popcorn for lunch and two slices of pizza for dinner. Disgusting. Today, i only ate two things. Good, yes. Two slices of pizza and a small salad for dinner. Repulsive. (This is so embarrassing to admit.) i wish it didn’t matter to me. What is keeping me from freaking out? Yoga tomorrow morning and kickboxing at night. E will be at work. (i hate working out when he is here.) i am going to look into the hours that the gym will be open this quarter. School starts tomorrow, which means coffee breakfasts, Diet Pepsi lunchs, and tea or LIGHT dinners. School means thin.

i am going to get serious. This means realistic. i am at 103 right now. 100 by the end of the month. We’ll take it from there. i want to know that i will look at 95. Who, knows, maybe i won’t like it. i do hope that i don’t.

Why do i put so much energy into losing weight? i read an old article. If you say ‘You look great,’ celebrities hear ‘You look fat.’ The average actress is 5 to 10 pounds thinner than she was a couple of years ago. The average size has dropped from a size 4 to a size 2. i just can’t be 103. It is too close to 105 and not close enough to 100. What is the big deal about three pounds? i am 5’4’ and it makes a HUGE difference.

As you can tell, i am having a bad day. i have to believe that in a few days i will feel positive about my self regardless. But for right now, the aforementioned is me.

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005