12.19.2002 | 4:44 p.m.
family tree, pickle, three days, bad situation

I have worked on my family tree

Ugh...lots of work

hungry

maybe just a pickle

i haven't weighed my self for three days

why?

Being break, I have too much down time to get depressed/obsessed if I were to gain a pound.

i just don't want to put myself in a bad situation 12.13.2002 | 9:21 a.m.
chi tea and birthcontrol pills

Friday,

Cool walk

Watch my breath

Chi Tea

ped somemore

grrrrading

another 4-5 hours

want to go to the TAV

blah blah

really nervous

I skipped the pill for two days..doubled up

then a day or two later, skipped the pill for two days, doubling up again.

should i be worried?

we pull out (gross that sounds unlovely)

12.11.2002 | 12:41 p.m.
snow, chicken, flu, who cares

I hate snow!

I feel like a prisoner in my apartment.

I am to chicken to drive in the damn stuff.

I called my bf and he is not answering his cell. I don't want to call again because I know how much he hates that.

I have an appointment at the health center to get a flu shot but I don't want to. To much work...

I feel like crap...I can't tell if the scale says 101 or 102....who cares? I shouldn't. blah! 12.10.2002 | 8:07 p.m.
come a long way, baby! still sick :(

I turned in my paper on counseling people is eating disorders. I'm still sick and haven't breathed out of my nose in like two days straight. I reminded of how hard it is for me to stay healthy..yet the drive that was once not there is. I need to remind myself of how far I have come. Unclear? Here is a taste (interesting choice of words) of where I have risen above:

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to

bring order to the chaos that is my world.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless

person ever to have existed on this planet,

and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.

I believe that other people who tell me differently

must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then

they would hate me almost as much as I do.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as

unbreakable laws to determine my daily behaviour.

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.

I believe in salvation through trying just a bit

harder than I did yesterday.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired

word of god, and memorize them accordingly.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator

of my daily successes and failures.

I believe in hell, because I sometimes

think that I'm living in it.

I believe in a wholly black and white world,

the losing of weight, recrimination for sins,

the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting. 12.08.2002 | 6:22 p.m.
Damn Paper

It is getting dark and still cannot manage to get started on the damn paper!!!!!!!!!

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Last Five:
empty, force, hope, too much - 07.31.2005
hello heartache, hello faith, hello confusion - 07.5.2005
LITANY AGAINST FEAR - 07.12.2005
healing, wonderful, the worse thing ever - 06.20.2005
translated weight - 06.02.2005