03.28.2006 | 10:20 p.m.
POINTLESS: i did what i lost faith in, yet no one is knocking at the door

i came home from work an hour early. so cold, curled in a blanket on the couch. drowning out the world via sleep. my cell reminds me to get up, get dressed, and to martial arts. i don't want too! that little nay saying voices tells me, "whats the point?" i don't know how i did it. but i did it. i went to class. i got home and convinced myself to take advantage of the endorphines by going for my run. i did it! i really think it is easier to run at night than during the day. i make better time. i feel good that i did it. tomorrow is another day.

i called chris. he working his 5 hours of sleep days. i think he heard me when i said is was hard to not take personally. i don't think john is really that into me. figures! chris is unavailable to a point that makes is impossible to read if he is still interested. but, damb, he doesn't believe in marriage or having children. john is either going to join the FBI in California or MD school god knows where. why can't i find a boyfriend, life partner, who is available and will move a mountain to be with me and make me happy.

so...i accomplished a workout when i lost faith in my ability to do it. and yet, life slaps me in the face. i am still fricken fat. i still haven't lost the weight that i wanted to. what is the point? health? fuck health if i am tired, wasting my evenings, being anti-social, and still a fat girl. i need to get back down to 98...i would rather be 98 and still feel fat that anything between 100-110 and being fat.

another fucking lonely day filled with self-care and no one to share my self-improvement shit. god! i am sick of doing all this good stuff when i have no one to share my life with. this is messed up that 27 yearold beautiful, independent girl, with a master degree, and studying for doctoral programs, goes to church, doesn't smoke or drink, have values and wonderful career, my own office and great family...yet no one wants to be with me. what the fuck! why am i even trying?

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Last Five:
POINTLESS: i did what i lost faith in, yet no one is knocking at the door - 03.28.2006
heavy, innate partnered, lurch, praying for "the one" - 03.27.2006
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